fear

#100DaysofBurningMyFears by @brandwriter

This should be an easy one to start with.

I'm writing again. Daily. And I have put things in place to help me not pilfer off again like I always have, but I am sure that I will. And maybe that is OK. The fear, Elizabeth Gilbert says, is boring. It is innately human. There is nothing unique about fear. But fear comes in flavors. And that tastes interesting to me. For 100 days, my friend Brian burned his fears into wooden coasters and they were absolutely fascinating. He would write things like "I'm afraid I'm not satisfying my wife." and "I'm afraid that I won't be able to buy my daughters a car or pay their tuition but also that they'll grow up feeling entitled if I do." And then he burned them in a beautiful bonfire in front of his friends and family. 

So here goes, for the next few minutes while I still have quite a bit of space and my wrists already feel carpul-tunnelly. 

I'm afraid I'll quit like I quit everything.

I'm afraid I'll never speak on a TED stage.

I'm afraid I won't be writing.

I'm afraid it won't be interesting enough to anyone.

I'm afraid not of losing the love of the man I love, but that he never loved me to begin with.

I'm afraid I can not take discomfort for suspended periods of time without losing sanity.

I'm afraid I'll look fat in the photo.

I'm afraid of being inconsistent--I'm afraid it is not worth doing if I can't do it regularly and with great quality.

I'm afraid my friends and family think I talk too much about myself.

I'm scared I could be doing more to help homeless people when it is cold outside because I know I could be.

I'm afraid my boyfriend will resent me for not pursuing my passions to the fullest.

I'm terrified I'll never be anyone's "one."

I'm scared I'll embark on my Polyama Project and that I'll never uncover anything new or unique to say.

I'm afraid no one will ever pay for anything that I have to offer. 

I'm scared that if I spent less time on my looks, that no one will think I am beautiful, including me.

I'm scared that if I'm not beautiful, that my confidence will suffer.

I'm scared that if my confidence suffers that no one else will believe the lies I tell myself.

I'm scared I'll never live in a place where my family lives and I will miss out on having those relationships.

I'm scared of money--looking at it, understanding where it goes, giving the correct change back, having enough.

I'm scared I'll never make anything that means anything to anyone but me.

I'm scared I won't be relevant. 

I'm afraid the people who say they love me don't understand or want to know my work.

I'm afraid if I put time into it and it does not work that it will be for nothing.

I'm afraid I'll never find a creative collaborator to embark on a project with.

I'm scared I'll never be a 'thought-leader.'